Hey! Haven't really said much in a few months now. I would like to say I have been very busy with a vibrant social life partying away the summer...but I haven't. I don't want this blog to be a pity party about me, I am much too prideful. I guess being at home wasn't as great as I thought it was going to be. The first day of college, I was terrified. I have changed so much since then. All too soon, the last day of the year came, and I went home feeling sick to my stomach. I felt so alone. I have been alone all summer.
In high school, I made mistakes. (we all do...right?) My biggest one was actually dating this guy named Charlie. I met him under less than savory circumstances, and all too soon I began to rely on him. I relied ONLY on him. He moved into my school district, down the street from me actually. Months passed and I began to have feelings for him. So, when he asked to date me in November of my sophomore year, I agreed. Then came small warning bells in my head. He was so quick to anger, and if I pushed him hard enough (I pushed most people) he would explode. He wouldn't strike me, but he would harm both himself, inanimate objects, and people. Charlie flat out told me he was dangerous, but I was so sure it was fixable. I thought I could fix it. We had the same friends, but eventually, I began to get nervous about dating him. It was my own fickle emotions I suppose. My mistake was never making any real friends other than Charlie. I broke up with him four times. The first two weren't so bad. I came back because I was lonely. I hated watching someone in pain and knowing it was all my fault. The third time happened the summer before college. It was the worst summer. Facebook is a weapon, believe me. Charlie used it to his best advantage, spreading rumors, lies, painful things. He enraged me so much, I cut all of my beautiful long hair off. It sounds crazy, but I wanted to show him that I could be beautiful,despite the things he said or did. That I could be strong. For years, I had this long beautiful hair. If I ever spoke of cutting it, he would tell me in no kind words how ugly I would be. I would look like a man or a lesbian. He couldn't bear to be around me.
Cutting my hair was the first step I took to being free of him. The others wouldn't come until much later, when I had gained my courage. I wouldn't say he was verbally abusive, but his friends were. He never bothered to defend me. Eventually it became too much. I will admit that I did things with him I was not proud of. I hurt him, and he hurt me. But in college, I made friends. And I figured out from watching them interact what love, the giving and taking kind, really was. These were people who truly cared for each other's well being and would protect them. I longed for that kind of devotion from them. Charlie tried to stop me, I felt. That was the final crack in the mirror. I couldn't look at myself anymore or what I had become with him at my side. Who was I, that I would let someone treat me this way? No. This was my life now, and I wasn't going to spend it doing what he wanted.
Breaking away from him was terrifying. I was so afraid, because this time, there was no going back. Not like before. If I walked away now, I was taking a leap of faith, hoping perhaps, my friends would catch me. Catch me, they did. Soon, I was walking on my own, and I realized I had people who LOVED me! I was so blessed, and I felt like dancing. Unfortunately, this summer has shown me I also have to deal with the consequences of my actions. Good or bad.
I felt defeated leaving college. So many of my friends were staying behind, Chris, Alesandro, Winky. I faced the fact that when I reached home, I would be alone again. Alone, I have been all summer. My friends were Charlie's friends too. They were mostly guys. Its that "bros over hoes" factor that has been going on. Maybe they were never my friends at all. I have run into Charlie a few times over the summer. Each time I have left with a disquieted feeling. Unease stirring in my stomach. However, I am truly proud to say I have no regrets about leaving him. We were never right for each other. Somewhere in my heart, I always knew that. I hope he finds happiness. Preferably somewhere far far far far from me.
The point of this post was to show how I felt this. I have truly gotten off topic!! This summer has been a NIGHTMARE! Do you know how it feels to be stuck in a room all day with no contact from your friends? None of them are avid texters
I feel so alienated from everyone. I am also sad to admit I resent them. I envy them. Is that ok? I envy them the time they have together..without me. Its not their fault, and I know I am being unfair. Each day, they spend campaigning with Pathfinder, playing YuGiOh, enjoying each others company. I have nothing here. I have no one. (this is what I suppose my little summer pity party is.) All I can keep telling myself is soon I will be back at college with everyone I love and cherish. This year is a new beginning. None of us are being allowed to live on the Ole Miss campus. All of the dorms are to be filled with incoming freshmen. Instead, all of the older undergraduates are being made to live in apartments. I have been saving all summer for the things I feel that I will need. Still, there is a niggling seed of doubt in my mind. I can't do it. Why am I spending any of my savings? Its SAVINGS!? And I haven't really done anything this summer to cause me to have to spend it. Its taken me a whole summer to barely save four hundred dollars. (how sad is that?)
I feel as though I am an incoming freshman all over again. I have no idea what I am truly going to need. Furthermore, I don't want to waste money on frivolities. The girly side of me is exuberant at the thought of completely decorating my own space. For the first time, I will have not only my own bedroom, but my own BATHROOM. For a girl with four sisters..this is a big deal. There's also a kitchen and a laundry room. It so much space, so much stuff to take care of. I've been saving money to feed not only myself, but also my best friend Elizabeth. I won't embarass her by discussing any sort of issues about her online,.but I feel as though I need to take care of her. Last year, I worried about her. I am always worried about her. I want to make sure she gets as much out of this experience as I do. We both need jobs. We need ways to feed ourselves before we starve...>.>' This is entirely too possible.
I not only want to feed..I want to impress. I want to be able to invite my guy friends over for dinner and not burn down the entire complex! I want to make those damned pork chop casserole things..even if they kill me. I will admit I can saute, and cook...to an extent. I can actually fry an egg and not burn it! I know how to make scrambled eggs. But I burn popcorn..and most other things. And its embarassing to keep blowing up microwaves. (I have accidentally destroyed three since going to college.) There's so much I want to do..grown up things. It sounds so silly, but I want to show off my homemaking skills. I CAN keep a living space clean, and I CAN take care of myself. (no matter what my mother says..)
My mother actually always told me that the home is the reflection of the woman.( Even if she is married and her husband left piles of dirty clothes on the couch.) She would tell me this while glaring down into the messy room I shared with my twin sister, Mackenzie. I want MY home to be a good reflection of me, even if all of my best girlfriends are living there with me.
This is my last ridiculous thought for the evening. Its not my mother or fathers' opinion I am seeking. I want..I want approval from Cookie. I want him to look upon the things I have done and smile. I might be asking too much, hell, I might even be scaring him away. But, there's things I want. And then there's things I need. I want him to acknowledge I am a strong woman who can take care of herself. I need to know that he needs me. I am scared because its too soon. Too soon. Barely eight months have passed, and I am even more afraid that I need him. I don't want to need him. I don't want to need anyone. Its too soon for me to need someone like him.
Its stupid because as I was picking out a comforter for my bed or a shower curtain for my bathroom...I wanted him to like it. I wanted it to be a reflection of me. I don't want to show a boring, mature woman or a college girl. I wanted...ME. And I want him to see it and not be afraid to be with me. I wanted to pick something beautiful and bold because I could see him there with me. I wanted him to be with me. That is what scares me the most of all.
