Late night..and an even later summer....

Hey! Haven't really said much in a few months now. I would like to say I have been very busy with a vibrant social life partying away the summer...but I haven't. I don't want this blog to be a pity party about me, I am much too prideful. I guess being at home wasn't as great as I thought it was going to be. The first day of college, I was terrified. I have changed so much since then. All too soon, the last day of the year came, and I went home feeling sick to my stomach. I felt so alone. I have been alone all summer.

   

In high school, I made mistakes. (we all do...right?) My biggest one was actually dating this guy named Charlie. I met  him under less than savory circumstances, and all too soon I began to rely on him. I relied ONLY on him. He moved into my school district, down the street from me actually. Months passed and I began to have feelings for him. So, when he asked to date me in November of my sophomore year, I agreed. Then came small warning bells in my head. He was so quick to anger, and if I pushed him hard enough (I pushed most people) he would explode. He wouldn't strike me, but he would harm both himself, inanimate objects, and people. Charlie flat out told me he was dangerous, but I was so sure it was fixable. I thought I could fix it. We had the same friends, but eventually, I began to get nervous about dating him. It was my own fickle emotions I suppose. My mistake was never making any real friends other than Charlie. I broke up with him four times. The first two weren't so bad. I came back because I was lonely. I hated watching someone in pain and knowing it was all my fault. The third time happened the summer before college. It was the worst summer. Facebook is a weapon, believe me. Charlie used it to his best advantage, spreading rumors, lies, painful things. He enraged me so much, I cut all of my beautiful long hair off. It sounds crazy, but I wanted to show him that I could be beautiful,despite the things he said or did. That I could be strong. For years, I had this long beautiful hair. If I ever spoke of cutting it, he would tell me in no kind words how ugly I would be. I would look like a man or a lesbian. He couldn't bear to be around me.

     

Cutting my hair was the first step I took to being free of him. The others wouldn't come until much later, when I had gained my courage. I wouldn't say he was verbally abusive, but his friends were. He never bothered to defend me. Eventually it became too much. I will admit that I did things with him I was not proud of. I hurt him, and he hurt me. But in college, I made friends. And I figured out from watching them interact what love, the giving and taking kind, really was. These were people who truly cared for each other's well being and would protect them. I longed for that kind of devotion from them. Charlie tried to stop me, I felt. That was the final crack in the mirror. I couldn't look at myself anymore or what I had become with him at my side. Who was I, that I would let someone treat me this way? No. This was my life now, and I wasn't going to spend it doing what he wanted. 

      Breaking away from him was terrifying. I was so afraid, because this time, there was no going back. Not like before. If I walked away now, I was taking a leap of faith, hoping perhaps, my friends would catch me. Catch me, they did. Soon, I was walking on my own, and I realized I had people who LOVED me! I was so blessed, and I felt like dancing. Unfortunately, this summer has shown me I also have to deal with the consequences of my actions. Good or bad. 

      I felt defeated leaving college. So many of my friends were staying behind, Chris, Alesandro, Winky. I faced the fact that when I reached home, I would be alone again. Alone, I have been all summer. My friends were Charlie's friends too. They were mostly guys. Its that "bros over hoes" factor that has been going on. Maybe they were never my friends at all. I have run into Charlie a few times over the summer. Each time I have left with a disquieted feeling. Unease stirring in my stomach. However, I am truly proud to say I have no regrets about leaving him. We were never right for each other. Somewhere in my heart, I always knew that.  I hope he finds happiness. Preferably somewhere far far far far from me. 

The point of this post was to show how I felt this. I have truly gotten off topic!! This summer has been a NIGHTMARE! Do you know how it feels to be stuck in a room all day with no contact from your friends? None of them are avid texters

         I feel so alienated from everyone. I am also sad to admit I resent them. I envy them. Is that ok? I envy them the time they have together..without me. Its not their fault, and I know I am being unfair. Each day, they spend campaigning with Pathfinder, playing YuGiOh, enjoying each others company. I have nothing here. I have no one. (this is what I suppose my little summer pity party is.) All I can keep telling myself is soon I will be back at college with everyone I love and cherish. This year is a new beginning. None of us are being allowed to live on the Ole Miss campus. All of the dorms are to be filled with incoming freshmen. Instead, all of the older undergraduates are being made to live in apartments. I have been saving all summer for the things I feel that I will need. Still, there is a niggling seed of doubt in my mind. I can't do it. Why am I spending any of my savings? Its SAVINGS!? And I haven't really done anything this summer to cause me to have to spend it. Its taken me a whole summer to barely save four hundred dollars. (how sad is that?) 

I feel as though I am an incoming freshman all over again. I have no idea what I am truly going to need. Furthermore, I don't want to waste money on frivolities. The girly side of me is exuberant at the thought of completely decorating my own space. For the first time, I will have not only my own bedroom, but my own BATHROOM. For a girl with four sisters..this is a big deal. There's also a kitchen and a laundry room. It so much space, so much stuff to take care of. I've been saving money to feed not only myself, but also my best friend Elizabeth. I won't embarass her by discussing any sort of issues about her online,.but I feel as though I need to take care of her. Last year, I worried about her. I am always worried about her. I want to make sure she gets as much out of this experience as I do. We both need jobs. We need ways to feed ourselves before we starve...>.>' This is entirely too possible. 

I not only want to feed..I want to impress. I want to be able to invite my guy friends over for dinner and not burn down the entire complex! I want to make those damned pork chop casserole things..even if they kill me. I will admit I can saute, and cook...to an extent. I can actually fry an egg and not burn it! I know how to make scrambled eggs. But I burn popcorn..and most other things. And its embarassing to keep blowing up microwaves. (I have accidentally destroyed three since going to college.) There's so much I want to do..grown up things. It sounds so silly, but I want to show off my homemaking skills. I CAN keep a living space clean, and I CAN take care of myself. (no matter what my mother says..)

                        My mother actually always told me that the home is the reflection of the woman.( Even if she is married and her husband left piles of dirty clothes on the couch.) She would tell me this while glaring down into the messy room I shared with my twin sister, Mackenzie. I want MY home to be a good reflection of me, even if all of my best girlfriends are living there with me. 

This is my last ridiculous thought for the evening. Its not my mother or fathers' opinion I am seeking. I want..I want approval from Cookie. I want him to look upon the things I have done and smile. I might be asking too much, hell, I might even be scaring him away. But, there's things I want. And then there's things I need. I want him to acknowledge I am a strong woman who can take care of herself. I need to know that he needs me. I am scared because its too soon. Too soon. Barely eight months have passed, and I am even more afraid that I need him. I don't want to need him. I don't want to need anyone. Its too soon for me to need someone like him. 

         Its stupid because as I was picking out a comforter for my bed or a shower curtain for my bathroom...I wanted him to like it. I wanted it to be a reflection of me. I don't want to show a boring, mature woman or a college girl. I wanted...ME. And I want him to see it and not be afraid to be with me. I wanted to pick something beautiful and bold because I could see him there with me. I wanted him to be with me. That is what scares me the most of all.

The First Few Weeks of College

The first fews weeks of college weren't AWFUL, persay. However, they were filled with alot of loneliness and a rather bleak "What now?" Menality. I grew up in a big family, and I have a twin sister named Mackenzie whom I loved very much. Most of them made the tript to Ole Miss with me, in a car packed full of all of my belongings and clothes. At first, I was rather excited. I finally got to escape the long dreary summer of working at Domino's Pizza. I mean, who WOULDN'T be happy? I'll write about Domino's later.
     
  Anyways, when first pulling onto campus, I realized I had no idea where anything was or what I was supposed to be doing. With some well placed luck, we pulled into the Guess dorm parking lot. The dorm itself is an L shape. I wandered inside first as my family unloaded the car and signed the key slip. My dad and I were the first to find my room. My rommate wasn't moving in for a few days, so I'd have the room all to myself. My family helped me unpack, my mom and twin sister decorated the room with blue, brown, and green butterflies, and I spread my nice new comforter atop my twin sized bed. There was alot of laughter that day.  My three year old niece trying hide in all of the hiding places around the room. She kept giggling and saying,"Come find me, Malmal!" I did. Then she would just laugh harder and try and find somewhere even more magical and secretive to hide. After we unpacked, half of my family left. My older sister Shelby cried hard onto my shoulder. I was the youngest and had never strived to be the most independent. Maybe, they were worried I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. I don't know. I knew I was going to miss them terribly. My dad left with them, but he has always been a man of fewer words than my mother. He and I, we just looked at each other. He smiled a sad smile, his little girl was all grown up. He held open his arms to me, and I stepped into them to recieve a last hug, his main way of conveying his emotion to me.


       I was left alone with my mom and my twin sister Mackenzie. Before now, we'd never been apart for more than a week. I was gripped harshly with nostalgia. I insisted they come with me to get my books from the bookstore. We struggled to find it, and got lost on the way back to the dorm. I was glad for all of our confusion. It gave me more time with them and delayed the inevitable. However, once we reached the dorm, it was time for goodbyes. I didn't know what to say. My sister was my best friend. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears when she hugged me. My mother held her composure, always the strong one. She gave me instructions, or..more like advice. All too soon, they climbed into the car in the parking lot and drove away.


       For a long time, I stood frozen in the same spot on that hot concrete. Shuddering and choking on my own tears. I was paralyzed with fear.  I mean, it had just occured to me I had no idea what I was doing, and now I was completely alone. The next few weeks passed rather slowly, with me spending most of my days alone in my room. I didn't even study! Classes went decently, I suppose. But I'd always been smart enough in high school to not need to overexert myself, I thought I would not have to here. To an extent I didn't.


          I didn't make friends really unil I started going to clubs. My ex boyfriend, Charlie, took me with him to the ninjutsu where I met a rather sadistic but happy sophomore who was our teacher. Before any of you people start judging, ninjutsu is a real martial art. It is based most upon using the strength of your enemy against them, as well as taking down your opponent with the least effort possible. I learned just the right places to snap bones and I sparred with other students as well as Sarah. I did not do as badly as I thought I would. Sparring just involves a mental state, a 'killer instinct' I have not yet quite managed to master. I got punched in the face, kicked in the ribs, thrown to the ground, and choked. As odd as it sounds, I LOVED it. It took a raw physical energy and let me finally release the pent up emotions I had been feeling since coming here. It was so damn frustrating! Sarah was accepting and so was everyone else.


           I made most of my friends by accident. I even met Cookie by accident. One day, about two after school started, I went into the Ole Miss bookstore for a frappucino. (YUUUuummmm...) While standing in line, I noticed a tall guy behind me with glasses and a decent amount of facial hair. We ended up talking and he introduced himself to me as Morgan. I told him my name, and we seemed to hit it off, having much of the same interests. He told me he'd been going to a club which met on wednesdays at 7 called the Ole Miss gamers society. (OMGA!) I was skeptical, and Morgan pointed out the OMGA president sitting at one of the tables in the bookstore cafe. (He's REALLY short.) The guy's name was Bob...just..Bob. I still don't  know his last name. Anyways, Morgan begged me to come, and I reluctantly agreed. In my eyes, I just saw a bunch of nerds sitting in a basement with a tv and a video game console, possible some board games thrown in. While, gamers DO play video games..they're are actually alot more wild than we think they are.
         I walked into the massive union lobby, unaware that certain things in my life were about to be put in motion. They would change who I was at the core of my being, and push me towards the future.

The First Time

                   This is my first time blogging...ever. I mean, I have to be curious about what possesses people to blog in the first place. Do you want to just display your innermost thoughts before a crowd of random readers? Its a rather weird hobby if you ask me. Anyways,  my boyfriend, Cookie, has mono. All of my friends suggested I find a hobby since I haven't seen him in almost two weeks. My choice? Blogging. I wasn't going to actually start a blog; I was just trying to find Cookie's so I could find a way to see him and amuse myself. NO, I am not obsessed...I just..care about him very very much. I'd never tell him how much actually. In my experience, most guys run if you haven't been dating enough to actually want someone SO MUCH. So, I couldn't find Cookie's blog, but I decided to start my own instead. I really should be doing my Chinese and Philosophy homework. TOO LAZY! Oh well...
            My name is Mallory, and I am a freshman in college. This is my second semester. I don't want to bore you with the details of my life, but I suppose that since you're reading my blog...why not? I have no idea what I really want to do with my life. Right now, I'm just an English major. I love to read, and I love to write. Though, I have a problem with actually FINISHING anything I write. I normally end up with a single scene which looks like it belongs in a movie in my head, and I write it down. Most of the time, the scenes are of lovers experiencing intense emotions such as anger and betrayal as well as extreme passion. Maybe I will post a few of them on here. Please note, my writing is not very good. 
               I am living in a dorm on the campus of Ole Miss. Yes, I know. Number 2 party school in the nation (right now). The campus is actually a lot more tame where I hang out at night. Just stay away from fraternity row if you do not want to party. I suppose my friends and I can be considered boring. But, we are a massive group always hanging ou in the student union.  We're gamers. Now, if you think we're still nerds, you would be right. However, even though we're gamers, we really know how to have fun. Things around us normally end up exploding or spilling, we're always laughing! Just imagine a group of twelve to twenty nerds all pushing every piece of furniture they can find into one corner of a huge room. Then comes the rickrolling, bad jokes, Yu Gi Oh, pizza, movies, just about anything you can imagine.
            In the student union where my group of friends and I hang out, there are many "Hall of Fame" pictures decorating the walls of prestigious alumni. I just catch myself wondering at how most of them are dead, yet instead of being remembered for anything they've actually done, we make fun of how they look. We can be incredibly shallow, but...its like opening your mom or dad's high school yearbook and finding all of the ridiculous styles they wore and how stupid we think it is now. I think that one day we may be up there. Maybe in 2070 when we are all dead and gone, the students with their hovercrafts and zPhones (iPhones will be obsolete in a couple of years I  am sure. They'll work their way down the alphabet. Trust me.) they'll laugh at the way WE look. What if people in the future dont have hair? They think bald is beautiful or something stupid like that? Then WE are the funny looking uglies. Then again, I am assuming we'll exist past December 21, 2012. (I am skeptical.)
           Anyways, this ends my very first blog. (YAY!) More will probably follow unless I forget my password for the twentieth time. I get so tired of filling out those silly password replacement forms that exist on all the websites I am a member of. I'm going to go eat the bland tasteless foods of the Johnson commons cafeteria. Wish me luck! :)